My Advice to a Broken-Hearted Johnny Depp

Dear Johnny:

You don't know me.

But I feel as if I know you. From your days on "21Jump Street" to movies such as  "Chocolat," "Edward Scissorhands," "Benny & Joon," "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?," "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" and "Rango" (just to name a few of my favorites), you have kept me company, and made me laugh and cry. But it is in your role as Capt. Jack Sparrow in the multiple "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies that you snuck in and stole my heart. 

I'm not a lover of adventure movies. I'm an honest-to-God connoisseur of chick-flicks, and I'm most unapologetic about it. But there's something about your Capt. Sparrow I cannot resist. Is it his swarthy good looks? Is it the fact that you give him "moves like Jagger?" Or is it the devilish gleam in your eyes when you spot either a pretty girl or some gold doubloons? I can't say. 

What I do know is that your heart is broken. You and your lady-love, Vanessa, have ended your long affair. 

That makes me sad. But then I asked myself what I would do in your shoes. And I had my answer. 

I'm no pirate captain, but Johnny, you and I hail from the same part of the world. You're originally from Kentucky; I'm from West Virginia. That tells me you are most likely blessed with some good old Appalachian common sense. So operating from that standpoint, I have decided to design to help a brother out and provide some recommendations for treating your broken heart. 

You should visit St. Simons Island immediately. You could wander about without a care in the world. We're accustomed to celebrity sightings here. Whole movie casts have stayed on the island without any problem ("X-Men First Class"). Both "Glory" and "The Legend of Bagger Vance" were filmed in the area  Owen Wilson and John Travolta pass through occasionally. We hosted a G-8 Conference. Pro athletes visit. In fact, there are times of the year when it's hard not to trip over a member of the PGA Tour. It's the type of place where you can literally encounter Cal Ripken Jr. in the frozen food aisle at the grocery store. (I did!) 

So, Johnny, your celebrity status doesn't matter here. 

Here's what I think you should do. 

Jet into the St. Simons McKinnon Airport (private aircraft only) and be whisked away to a private oceanfront villa. Hire a driver and rent an inconspicuous car. Then, submerge yourself in island life. 

Stroll along the beach. Locate the locally owned restaurants and pubs - that's fairly easy, since we're not completely overrun with chain establishments.  Enjoy real barbecue, fair-trade coffee, fresh seafood and locally grown vegetables. Check out our live music scene. Sit in with the band - no one will mind. Did I mention cold beer?

Most of all, don't be frightened to approach the residents. We're very friendly and will help you with nearly anything. Just ask. Really.

Three days in the Golden Isles and you will be on the beginning of the mend. 

I know that broken hearts are serious business. I've had a few myself. But experts like me believe that a change in perspective, even for a few days, can do a lot to clear your head. And when you add in the solitude of the beach, good food, cold beer, great music and friendly people, surely a cure can't be too far away. 

Well, Johnny, that's all I have to say. I hope you take this in the spirit in which it was intended - a sincere fan wanting to help her favorite movie star (other than George Clooney, but his heart isn't broken) get through a tough time. 

We look forward to your visit. 

Love,

Mary